My name is Matt Mulder and I’m a recovering pornaholic.
I wish I could tell you that the temptation goes away. I suppose it does for some people, and that’s really awesome, but it never has for me. It’s amazing to me how you can know something is harmful to you, and the people around you, and you still choose it. I hate how I can know that porn hurts me and it hurts so many other people, and those other people are hurt in real life, in present and tangible ways: abuse, rape, disease, tears, blood. But I’m still tempted by porn and for the last ten years of my life I would give in. I think my longest streak without looking at porn was 3 months, but then I went through a really serious breakup and I don’t know why or where it came from, but out of my loneliness I slowly slipped back into my addiction. Another relapse.
What’s so hard about porn is that it feels so good. Kind of. It feels good when you’re feeling bad. It’s a quick fix when you are feeling lonely. It’s a distraction from whatever is dissatisfying in the present. But that’s what I hate about it. I’m more concerned about my “feeling good” for fifteen minutes a day than I am concerned about the long-term, long-lasting, culturally shaping effects that my short term decisions make.
This is a harsh word, and I hope to reconcile it – but people talk about how porn creates guilt and shame. And that’s what so many people hate about it. “Porn makes me feel guilty and it makes me feel so shameful.” Well I think it should! Guilt says, “What I do isn’t enough.” Looking at porn isn’t enough. Shame says, “Who I am isn’t enough.” When you are looking at porn you are treating your self and thousands of other people like who they are, are not enough either.
But I kept looking at porn.
I understand what porn does to my brain. I understand the harmful effects porn has on my relationships. I understand the negative societal and cultural effects of porn.
But I kept looking at porn.
I was a youth pastor, a campus ministries intern and a seminary student. I am a recovering pornaholic. And if I am struggling with porn then I’d have to assume that there are other people out there who are struggling too.
If you are out there – we have to stop.
And we have to take a stand.
We have to take a stand against what culture says about pornography. We have to take a stand for the people who are directly effected by the pornography industry. We have to take a stand for the men and women, boys and girls who are used, abused, bruised and raped. We have to take a stand for the people who feel like they have no other option. And we have to take a stand for our own lives. While porn spits in our face and says, “You are not enough.” I believe in a God, who looks deep into our eyes and says, “You are more than enough!”
And so I invite you take a stand. Stand with me because I need your help. Stand with me because this world needs our help. Stand with me because you and I were created by a God who created love, a love that considers you worth dying for, and now He invites you to live into that love, a true love, a love that cares deeply for the other.
Porn kills Love – We are called to create it, inspire it, and live it!
My name is Matt Mulder, I am a recovering pornaholic, and I invite you to stand with me in the fight against pornography.